Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.

Carol

You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. Uh, I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half. For example.

Dr. Cohen

Andrew Largeman: So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.
Mark: Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.

Diego: Does it come with balloons?
Mark: What am I, a birthday clown? NO! It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap!

Andrew Largeman: Dude, we've been patient all day but it's my last day in town and you haven't told us what we're doing. I mean, if you had told me we'd be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would've passed.
Mark: Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.

Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!

Sam: Wow. That's pretty damn random of you there, Andrew. Nice to meet you, can I use you?
Andrew Largeman: No.
Sam: It must be the Hollywood in you.

Andrew Largeman: There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed.
Sam: There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of WISH I missed.

OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.

Sam

Andrew Largeman: You're a COP, Kenny?
Kenny: Yeah, I know!
Andrew Largeman: ...Why?
Kenny: I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do.

Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like... *MMM*... rich!

Kenny

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