Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. Then what's your problem?
Danny Noonan: I don't know.

Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college.
Ty Webb: You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.

Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
Danny Noonan: It's hard when you're talking like that.

Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.

Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

Ty Webb: Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.

While we're young.

Al Czervik

He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.

Al Czervik

[farts] Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Al Czervik

Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

Lacey Underall: I bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty Webb: How do you mean?
Lacey Underall: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

Lacey Underall: Who's you decorator? Bennihana?
Ty Webb: No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.
Lacey Underall: You were in the war?
Ty Webb: [limps and pats his butt] No... Homo.

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