Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid.

Al Czervik

Ahoy polloi.

Spalding Smails

This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.

Spalding Smails

Ty Webb: I like you Betty.
Danny Noonan: It's Danny sir.
Ty Webb: Danny.

Sandy: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool. Gophers. The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents*.
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even need a reason.

He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.

Carl Spackler

IT'S IN THE HOLE!

Carl Spackler

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Al Czervik

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Al Czervik

[to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

Al Czervik

Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

Al Czervik

Judge Smails: Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.
Smoke Porterhouse: Yes judge, right away judge.

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