Popular Comedy Quotes
Al Czervik: [tees off] Fore!
[ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch]
Al Czervik: I should have yelled, "Two!"
Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?Judge Smails
Dogfood?Charlie the Cook
Lacey Underall: My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies.
What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?Ty Webb
Danny Noonan: I can't pay you. Lou has to.
Tony D'Annunzio: Where is he?
Danny Noonan: He's out.
Tony D'Annunzio: I can see that he's out, numbnuts.
Annie Savoy: [narrating] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.
Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche.Ebby Calvin LaLoosh
Crash Davis: Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.
Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the fucking bull! Guy gets a free steak!
Crash Davis: You having fun yet?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Oh, yeah. Havin' a blast.
Crash Davis: Good.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash Davis: He did know.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How?
Crash Davis: I told him.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You told him didn't you?
Crash Davis: Yup.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I don't hit no man first.
Crash Davis: All right, then...
[throws him a baseball]
Crash Davis: ... hit me in the chest with that.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I'd kill you!
Crash Davis: Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat.