Popular Comedy Quotes
They honey potted us!Aaron Rapoport
Francis Fratelli: Tell us everything! Everything!
Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this
Jake Fratelli: I'm beginning to like this kid, Ma!
Mama Fratelli: [tired of Chunk's stalling] Hit puree!
Dave: "I have decided who I want to be our new vice president of sales...me!"
Nick: "What did he say?"
Dave: "Nick? Please, we're in the middle of a meeting."
Dave: "That's alright, I'll just attribute this to your drinking problem."
I'm testing the air. I like it but it doesn't like me.Macaulay Connor
There's action across the street.Dirk Calloway
Tom Dobbs: NASA spent 30 Million dollars creating the pen that would write upside down in space. Did you know that? The Russians, how ever, were able to solve this problem with
Tom Dobbs: Five cent pencil! Writes right side up, writes up-side down. After five quarts of vodka, is still writing!
Dupree: [during his job interview] I'm a people person, very personable. I absolutely insist on enjoying life. Not so task-oriented. Not a work horse. If you're looking for a Clydesdale I'm probably not your man. Like I don't live to work, it's more the other way around. I work to live. Incidentally, what's your policy on Columbus Day?
Interviewer: We work.
Dupree: Really? The guy discovered the new world. I'm afraid to even ask about Victory Over Japan Day.
[Vernon catches Bender playing basketball]
Bender: Don't you want to hear my excuse?
Richard Vernon: Out.
Bender: I'm thinkin' of tryin' out for a scholarship.
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
Boog? What's that short for? Booger?Ian
[after getting a fist-tap from Woody and nearly wiping out] Man, oh, man. I almost lost it back there. I didn't know what was going on.Dudley Frank
Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina.
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!