Popular Comedy Quotes
Bart: You are my guest, and I am your host. What is your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
Wendy: Your father has finally gone completely mental!
Otto: So the old lady's gonna m-m-m-meet with an accident eh K-K-K-K-Ken?
Gloria Clemente: Team mates can't hustle each other.
Rhonda Deane: Why not.
Gloria Clemente: It's not artistic.
I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were here to talk about petroleum.Tommy Corn
Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak...
Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...
I fight gangs for local charities and stuff.Fezzik
Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
Female street stranger: Yeah.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way.
Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something?
You gonna do it? Come on. Fill me up! Come on! Fill me up! Yeah! Good job!Diane McAllister
Jack Lime: Welcome to the station. Just wondering what time you feed that mustache.
Ron Burgundy: Maybe I’ll feed it a ham sandwich.
Jack Lime: Hey don't make jokes off my jokes!
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!
Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
I can't believe we said no to free beer!Valentine McKee
Shrek: Excuse me; can you ladies tell me where to find...
Cheerleader: Ugh, totally ew-eth.