Michael Newman: [reading off letter] Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy.
Michael Newman: Okay, Morty.
[Throws the universal remote into the bin]

My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!

Ace Ventura

My miracle pill for the middle-aged man!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau

Noah: My name's Noah Jaybird. Ca caa! What's your name?
Soul Baby: They call me Soul. Soul Baby.
Noah: Soul Baby?
Soul Baby: Yeah.
Noah: Keep it in control baby. Tears, no fears man.
Soul Baby: Is that right?
Noah: Respect it, don't neglect it. Treat it, don't beat it.
Soul Baby: You're a bada** motherf**ker.

Ned: "Needle-nose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson? I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?
Phil: Ned Ryerson!
Ned: BING!
Phil: Bing.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh my God!
Jesus: Oh my Me! How are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: It's going OK. Are you the Lord?
Jesus: Well, to you I am. See, technically, you're, like, in this REM sleep state, and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God, some past authority figures, uh, Skye, and your dad. Basically, your subconcsious came up with me to help you deal. Dig?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah... uh, you want a glass of water or something?
Jesus: No, I'm good. I'm God!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh. Right.

Tyra Banks: You're not married, you're on the wrong side of 40, and child-less. Somebody close to you said: One more flop, and it's over.
Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?

King Arthur: One, two, five!
Sir Galahad: Three sir!
King Arthur: Three!

Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've *worked* in the private sector. They expect *results*.

Dr Ray Stantz

[in Korean] Prepare to suck the cock of karma!

Ken

Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!

Mike

[referring to woman in feminism group] I could not concentrate on what this old man was saying.

Borat

FREE Movie Newsletter