Popular Comedy Quotes
Schmidt: Listen, Mr. Walters, I should apologize…
Mr. Walters: For shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it. They gave me a vagina. Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch!
Eric: No, you're not!
Mr. Walters: Yes, I am! You own this ass.
Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.Sally Albright
Bradley Fine: Who's the finest of them all?
Susan Cooper: You are! Oh Bradley you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Bradley!
Doug Butabi: You can take away our phones and you can take away our keys, but you can NOT take away our dreams.
Steve Butabi: Yeah, because we're, like, sleeping when we have them.
Parking Attendant: You can't park your car here.
Raoul Duke: Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park?
Parking Attendant: Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk!
Droz: What's Your major?
Sanskrit Major: Sanskrit
Droz: Sanskrit. You are majoring in a 5,000-year-old, dead language?
Sanskrit Major: Yeah.
When I was growing up, if we wanted a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.Billy Ray
When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara.Fran Kubelik
[yells] Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!Andy Stitzer
Greg Focker: You can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.
Seth: Yeah, but the problem is that they don't actually show the dick going in the pussy. Have you ever seen a pussy by itself?
Seth: I dunno, it's not for me.
Kat Stratford: You don't always have to be who they want you to be, you know?
Bianca: I happen to like being adored, thank you!