Popular Comedy Quotes
There are two kinds of people in this world, winners and losers.Richard
Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone, just... pretend to be normal.Richard
I can say what I want - I still got Nazi bullets in my ass.Grandpa
Life is one fuckin' beauty contest after another.Dwayne
You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest!Dwayne
Sheryl: [after Frank's suicide attempt] I'm so glad you're still here.
Frank: Well, that makes one of us.
Frank: Friedrich Nietzsche? You stopped talking because of Friedrich Nietzsche?
Frank: Far out.
Losers are people who are so afraid of not winning, they don't even try.Grandpa
Sheryl: What did he say?
Richard: I'll tell you when I regain consciousness.
Olive: Do you eat ice cream?
Miss California: Yes. My favorite is Cherry Chocolate Garcia... except technically I think it's a frozen yogurt.
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap- high school and everything- just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh- he gets down to the end of his life... and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered- Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school? Those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
Olive: Do you think there's a Heaven?
Frank: Well, it's hard to say, Olive. I don't think anyone knows for sure.
Olive: I know, but what do you think?
Frank: Well... um... uh...
Olive: I think there is.
Frank: Think I'll get in?