Popular Comedy Quotes
They'll never catch me... because I'm fucking innocent.Dignan
Ned Plimpton: I'm gonna fight you, Steve.
[Steve hits Ned in the face]
Steve Zissou: You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.
Ned Plimpton: You fight your way, and I'll fight mine.
Steve Zissou: Okay, listen, Ned. Don't you try to...
[Ned hits Steve in the face]
Steve Zissou: I think your Team Zissou ring might've caught me on the lip.
Umpire: You threw at him intentionally!
Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass!
Umpire: You're gone!
Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit! Fuck you!
Umpire: Get outta here, rookie!
Rick Vaughn: Oh, why don't you blow me ump?
I had been nominated for the Medal of Honor. I have been so nominated seven times. I have never won. Still, seven times, that is something.Chief Inspector Dreyfus
Dave: "You want one?"
Nick: "It's 8 o'clock in the morning."
Dave: "It's 18-year-old Scotch - you want a promotion, you gotta earn it."
Nick: (downs Scotch)
I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!Jay
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
Raoul Duke: We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like: I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive.
Janey: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
Jake: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.
Inigo Montoya: You are sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo Montoya: No reason. It's only... I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
Vizzini: What? Probably some local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise, at night... through... eel-infested waters...
Fanny: They're all exceedingly spoilt I find. Miss Margaret spends all her time up trees and under furniture and I've barely had a civil word from Marianne.
Edward Ferrars: My dear Fanny, they've just lost their father. Their lives will never be the same again.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Have you noticed anything different about him?
Jane Spencer: Well, only that he's a foot taller, and he seems to be left handed now... Frank, what are you trying to tell me? That Quentin has somehow found an exact double for Dr. Mainheimer and that tomorrow that double will give a fraudulent report to the president?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Why that's brilliant, that's a lot better than what I came up with.