Popular Comedy Quotes
Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."John Winger
[after ripping the guy's ponytail off] You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner, your ends are totally SPLIT!Jessica (in Clive's body)
You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!Donald
[singing, to the tune of "The Teddy Bears' Picnic"] Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/ He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee/ One day the elf could take no more/ so he went to bang on the rude dwarf's door/ and what do you know, they suddenly both were marrrrried.Elliot
Someone's ear is in danger of getting hair brushed behind it...Columbus
We got a bleeder!Paramedic
I got mind control over Deebo. He be like "shut the f**k up." I be quiet. But when he leave, I be talking again.Smokey
There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...Marlin
Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.Sid Garner
[when Charlie proposes to have sex with her] I'm going to fuck you till you die!Eleanor Skipple
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
God needs the Devil. The Beatles needed The Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?Jean Girard