Popular Comedy Quotes
Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?Cocaine Addict
Smokey: Older the berry, the sweeter the juice.
Craig Jones: Man, it's the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
Smokey: Yeah, well she blacker than a motherfucker too.
Tyra Banks: You're not married, you're on the wrong side of 40, and child-less. Somebody close to you said: One more flop, and it's over.
Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?
So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.King Jaffe Joffer
We're the 3 best friends that anybody could have.Alan [singing]
We're the 3 best friends that anyone could have, we're the 3 best friends that anyone can have and we'll never never ever ever ever leave each other."
Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop: There is no God...
Donkey: Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've Mastered the Stairs. I wish I had a step right here, I could step here and here and here and step all over it.
Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up.
Late Night Courier: Gaylord M. Focker?
Greg Focker: That's me.
Jack Byrnes: I thought your name was Greg.
Greg Focker: It is.
Late Night Courier: That's not what it says here.
Greg Focker: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.
Denny Byrnes: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?
Austin Powers: Hey! There you are!
Tourist: Hi... do I know you?
Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there!
It's so beautiful!... Let's live here. [he kisses Rita] We'll rent, to start.Phil
Like I always tell my clients - begin each day as if it were on purpose.Hitch
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.Carl Spackler