I've heard of popcorn in the face, but this is ridiculous!

Martin Gary

Vincent Benedict: Through the lips, over the gums...
Julius Benedict: Look out stomach! Here it comes!

Makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra.

Terry Hoitz

Willie Mays Hayes: Moby Dick? What you reading that for?
Jake Taylor: This happens to be a masterpiece of American Literature.
Willie Mays Hayes: Lynn turn you on to that?
Jake Taylor: Yeah... a long time ago.
Willie Mays Hayes: Well listen, if we ever get out of here, me and the other guys are going to a club later on tonight. You want to come with us?
Jake Taylor: Oh, I can't, I got some reading to do.
Willie Mays Hayes: [rolls his eyes] What man, you got a test or something? Jake, man why don't you just go over there and see her. Maybe she'll let you slide on a couple of these.
Jake Taylor: Well I would if I knew where she lived.
Willie Mays Hayes: That's easy! Just tail her home from the library.
Jake Taylor: You mean sit in my car and wait for her to get out of work and then follow her? That's kind of juvenille don't you think?
Willie Mays Hayes: [ponders for a second] Yeah!

Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?
[short pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.

Momma's making a pubie salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.

Seth

Nathan, Jr., accepts me for what I am! And I think you better had, too! You know I'm okay, you're okay! That there's what it is!

H.I.

Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again.

Lou Brown

[in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!

Freddy Benson

Eli: Okay, you know what the three of us are? We're a tripod.
Matt: A tripod?
Eli: Yes, a tripod. Which means that if you knock out one of our legs... WE. ALL. FALL!

Employee: One Heffer with cheese.
Scarface: You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you! Turn around and ASK me for a Heffer with cheese, yo! Why you gotta make me feel inferior because I'm workin' the grill, B? Damn!
Employee: ...sorry.

People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him.

Dr. Pearl

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