Popular Comedy Quotes
Bark like a dog.Carl Spackler
[breaks up a fight] Hey! You're white, you're white! You don't fight!Ben
Bullets - my only weakness! How did you know?Officer Palumbo
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's ...
Richard Hayden: ...What?
Buzz, Buzz! My backend's going to Baton Rouge!Slinky Dog
Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.
Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kind of lawyer. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 an hour to fight with people. But he fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.Cher
Jake: Disco pants and haircuts...
Elwood: Yeah, lots of space in this mall.
Claire Standish: Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.
Bender: Poor baby.
Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Eric Cartman: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.
Kyle: [typing] Punch and pie.
Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Mona Lisa Vito: No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny Gambini: Are you sure?
Mona Lisa Vito: I'm positive.