Popular Comedy Quotes
What is it with all the women in this family, that makes all the men in this family wanna leave?Garry
I need to be helped. I need you to rub my back, put me in my onesie...whatever you need to do baby, I'm yours!Cedric
From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.Jay
Kevin: What about you? You don't have any needs?
Jane: No. I'm Jesus.
I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it.Andrew Largeman
Dewey Finn: Ok, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?
Frankie: Doesn't that mean you're drunk?
Dewey Finn: No. It means I was drunk yesterday.
Freddy: It means you're an alcoholic.
Dewey Finn: Wrong.
Freddy: You wouldn't come to work with a hangover unless you were an alcoholic. Dude, you got a disease!
Dewey Finn: Hmmm... hmmm... What's your name?
Freddy: Freddy Jones.
Dewey Finn: Ok, Freddy Jones, shut up!
I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of ... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud ... I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake like 5-6 times a day.Jim's Dad
I understand you may have had sexual relations with my daughter before, but under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. So just keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.Jack Byrnes
Brad Hamilton: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here.
Jeff Spicoli: Well, something must have happened to them.
Fred Claus: Love's complicated.
Willie: It hurts.
You're all fired, in the morning you'll all be on a bus back to Elfistan!Clyde
I say we take the sword and neuter him right here! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!Donkey