Popular Comedy Quotes
It's a glow-in-the-dark compass ring. So you don't get lost.Josh
Kip: It's a time machine, Napoleon. We bought it online.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right.
Kip: It works, Napoleon. You don't even know.
[while urinating neon green liquid] Jeez, it's like Shrek's piss.Danny
May your first child be a masculine child!Randal Graves
Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Mona Lisa Vito: No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny Gambini: Are you sure?
Mona Lisa Vito: I'm positive.
Nathan, Jr., accepts me for what I am! And I think you better had, too! You know I'm okay, you're okay! That there's what it is!H.I.
Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again.Lou Brown
Ricky Bobby: Nobody plays jazz at The Pit Stop!
Jean Girrard: Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender: We keep it on there for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome.Steve Zissou
Inigo Montoya: Offer me money!
Count Rugen: Yes.
Inigo Montoya: Power too, promise me that!
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please.
Inigo Montoya: Offer me everything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want.
Inigo Montoya: I want my father back you son of a bitch.
Employee: One Heffer with cheese.
Scarface: You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you! Turn around and ASK me for a Heffer with cheese, yo! Why you gotta make me feel inferior because I'm workin' the grill, B? Damn!