Popular Comedy Quotes
Rosita: I was thinking later, you could kiss me on the veranda.
Dusty Bottoms: Lips would be fine.
[Reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.God
I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.Andy Stitzer
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.
I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo, and somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things. Won't be long now before they tear us to shreds.Raoul Duke
Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it.
Old Timer at Gas Station: This is one sweet ride.
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public!
I'm going to suck your dick like I'm mad at it.Elizabeth Halsey
Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.Frank
You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!Donald
Marcus Burnett: Hey man where-where-where's your cup holder?
Mike Lowrey: I don't have one.
Marcus Burnett: What the f- w'you mean you don't have one? Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?
Mike Lowrey: It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It's a limited edition.
Marcus Burnett: You damn right it's limited. No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the balls just draggin' the fuck along.
Larry's evil conscience: Fuck her. Fuck her brains out! Suck her tits, squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.
Larry's good conscience: For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!
Larry's evil conscience: Aw, don't listen to that jackoff. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
Larry's good conscience: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever... I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
Larry's evil conscience: You homo.