Popular Comedy Quotes
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.
[entering William's bedroom] So... This is where the enemy sleeps.Russell Hammond
Cal: That's a good looking grandma! My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy Stitzer: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.
[after crashing into a car dealership] The new Oldsmobiles are in early this year!Elwood
Carter: This ain't no Democracy.
Lee: Yes it is.
Carter: No it ain't. This is the United States of James Carter. I'm the President, I'm the Emperor, I'm the King. I'm Michael Jackson, you're Tito. I own yo ass.
[to caddy] Where were you on that one, dipshit?Happy Gilmore
TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!Bluto
Porn Store Worker: We don't sell kiddie porn.
Bucky Larson: Oh, I'm allergic to cats.
Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, ok? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck: Are you nut? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck: Deal!
Stu Price: Deal.
Alan Garner: Ok.
Stu Price: [the four of them look into the camera] Oh dear Lord!
Alan Garner: That's classic!
Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.Phil
We've been going about this all wrong, this Mr. Stay Puft's okay, he's a sailor, he's in New York, we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble.Dr. Peter Venkman
Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...
Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] ... we... get back on!
Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.