Popular Comedy Quotes
[about Glaunt] It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the drawing on the floor.Inspector Jacques Clouseau
God: What are you doing now?
King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!
Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.
Harry: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
Oseary Drakoulias: I spoke with Larry Amin, and it's a pass.
Steve Zissou: In other words, you fucked us!
Oseary Drakoulias: Let's not cast stones at one another, my dear.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.
Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of a everyone wins thing.
We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!Otto
I gave you life so that you could live it.Maria Portokalos
Bruce: Mitch, girl go pee-pee not something I want to see-see.
Ox: I agree-gree.
Jerry Lundegaard: Now we had a deal. A deal's a deal.
Carl Showalter: Is it, Jerry? Why don't you ask those three poor souls in Brainerd if a deal's a deal. Go ahead, ask 'em!
Jerry Lundegaard: The heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter: [mocking] "The heckya mean?"
They broke my watch!Trooper La Fong
Dean 'MF' Jones: "Most killers are first timers. You want to pull off a brilliant murder, you've gotta act like it's an accident. If you do it right, you ain't even gotta be there when it goes down."
Nick: "How are we supposed to fake three accidents?"
Dean 'MF' Jones: "You stalk your prey. You've gotta be smart: find out where they live, find out their habits - what's their hobbies, what they like, what type of food they like. Even if you pull it off perfectly, you crackers got motives. The 'po-po'
Kurt (whispers to Dale): "That means police."
Dean 'MF' Jones: "...will still put it to you."
Nick: "We all have clear motives for killing our bosses, so this is not gonna work - this is garbage."
Dean 'MF' Jones: "Why don't you kill each others bosses?"
Kurt: "That's actually a good idea. Yeah like Hitchcock's 'Strangers on a Train,' right?"
Dale: "The Danny DeVito movie - it's a funny one!"
Kurt: "The famous Alfred Hitchcock/Danny DeVito movie..." (slaps Dale) "that's the one."