Popular Comedy Quotes
You got knocked the fuck out... gimme my goddamn money... yeah payback's a motherfucker, Nigga.Smokey
Charles: Yes! Time!
Matthew: It's about ten to nine.
Ted: Hey, you're home early!
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: They're hookers, so it's fine.
Mike: [dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant.
Teen: Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip, because they may be impressed by it, asshole!
Mike: Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast, NOW!
I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.Alan Shemper
SCRATCH! SCRAAAAAAAAATCH! Oh my stars of the love of Liza. You scratch my C-D!Billy
You might think it upset me that Paul Metzler had decided to run against me but nothing could be further from the truth. He was no competition for me; it was like apples and oranges. I had to work a little harder, that's all, see I believe in the voters; they understand that elections aren't just popularity contests, they know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon. Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers owns Metzlers cement and give them trucks on their 16th birthday and throw them big parties all the time. No, they don't ever have to work for anything. They think they can just all of a sudden one day out of the blue waltz right in with no qualifications what's so ever and try to take away what other people have worked very, very hard for their entire lives. No, it didn't bother me at all.Tracy Flick
If he were feeling what I'm feeling then he would know how it feels.Julianne Potter
Lindsey Meeks: I saw you on ESPN.
Ben: Yeah, we looked like morons, didn't we?
Lindsey Meeks: Yah, yah, totally. Well, not you so much.
Ben: Well, it was Florida. It was hot.
McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with you penis?Officer Slater
Harry: What about birth control?
Erica Barry: Menopause.
Harry: [pauses] Who's the lucky boy?
Agent 99: I think we should trust him chief.
Agent 23: Oh absolutely Chief, I'm with 99 on that one, everytime I look at Maxie's puppy eyes I'm a goner.
Agent 99: Oh my God, you've really never had anyone break up with you have you?