Popular Comedy Quotes
I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.Cal Naughton, Jr.
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!
Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Teen #1: You holding?
Jay: Shit, everything except coke, heroin, and your cock!
Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.Wayne Campbell
Jack Ryan: Are you serious? You really wanna box?
Nancy Hayes: If I win, you show me how to steal a car. If you win, I do whatever you want. Put em up!
Jack Ryan: You grow up on a marine base?
Nancy Hayes: Don't use the, "I've never hit a girl" excuse.
Jack Ryan: I've never hit a girl.
[Nancy hits him in the head]
Jack Ryan: Don't be hitting me in my head when I'm not looking. You just awakened a sleeping giant.
Brad, your sister's turning into a fox!Brad's Bud
[after kissing April] I am so lesbian right now.Jessica (in Clive's body)
It's like my mom says, "The weak are always trying to sabatoge the strong."Tracy Flick
Schmidt: Hey, listen! There's a grenade in my shorts!
Jenko: Is that it?
Schmidt: That's my dick!
Jenko: What about that?
Schmidt: That's my dick also!!
Patrick: Was that a yes?
Kat Stratford: No.
Patrick: Well, then, was that a no?
Kat Stratford: No.