Pretty soon life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.

Tallahassee

Columbus: There are no penguins in the North Pole.
Tallahassee: ...You wanna see how hard I can punch?

[a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.

Columbus

[a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.

Columbus

[discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? I hate coconut! Not the flavor, but the consistency.

Tallahassee

[to Tallahasse] Are you some type of cock blocking robot developed in some secret fucking government lab?

Columbus

I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland.

Columbus

The fatties were the first to go.

Columbus

Fuck this clown

Columbus

I'm not great at farewells, so uh... that'll do, pig.

Tallahassee

[after his neighbor changes into a zombie] The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

Columbus

[flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!

Homer Simpson

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