My heart is pounding like a nail!

Shelley

Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to give the man credit, he has eased up on the retard a bit.

Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: Now it's time to flip the script! I'm gonna have to wait till Chinese New Year for my man to cry.

We wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.

Kirk Lazarus

Let's face it, the kids aren't exactly dressing up as The Scorcher for Purim anymore.

Les Grossman

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never do a full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

[heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.

Jeff Portnoy

Hospital Nurse: [after Bertram's colonoscopy] Come back soon.
Bertram Pincus: What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.

Sweet balls!

Shelley Darlingson

Can you point me to the crapper? I have to drop some timber.

Joanne

I didn't stay in college for nine years just to go back to my trailer in Idaho!

Carrie Mae

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