Rabbi Jake Schram: What's the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anyone? Steve Posner.
Steve Posner: Sexual perversion.
Rabbi Jake Schram: Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel!

Rabbi Jake Schram: What happened to our youth?
Father Brian Finn: I'm telling you, it ended at 30, pal.

Rabbi Jake Schram: Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.
Father Brian Finn: Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.

Father Brian Finn: You're a Sikh, Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws?
Indian Bartender: Yes. Yes. It gets very complicated. I'm reading Dianetics.
Father Brian Finn: Don't blame you.

The seven deadly sins. Who can name the seven deadly sins? People! It was a very popular film with Brad Pitt, you have the ultimate cliff note.

Father Brian Finn

Alan Klien: I suck! They're gonna take away my Yamulkha!
Rabbi Jake Schram: No you don't. You don't suck.
Alan Klien: I suck.
Rabbi Jake Schram: Yes, all right, you do. You suck. But that's ok, you're supposed to suck. This isn't a talent contest, it's a rite of passage.

Whoa! Listen to what you're saying. You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the possibility that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?

Rabbi Jake Schram

Rachel Rose: You write all your own sermons, right?
Rabbi Jake Schram: Actually I download them off the net, there's this great site www.hotgod.com.
Rachel Rose: Really?
[Anna kicks him under the table]
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ooh hoo, no.

Anna Riley: I read your sarin gas report. It was very powerful.
Rachel Rose: Thanks, I really earned my stripes with that piece.
Rabbi Jake Schram: I earned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.

People should have to qualify to go out with you. You're too precious to be on the open market.

Anna Riley

The truth is, I don't really learn that much about your faith by asking questions like that... because those aren't really questions about faith, those are questions about religion. And it's very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Because faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really. It's a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all... connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening... to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith. And so all I have to do is look around the room at this packed church... to know that we're doing pretty well as a community. Even if all of you failed my pop quiz miserably.

Father Brian Finn

It's customary to sneak out after communion.

Father Brian Finn

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