God is a lot like Blanche Du Bois.

Rabbi Jake Schram

Father Brian Finn: I got you something. I almost didn't because I was so mad but this is too good.
Rabbi Jake Schram: Holy shit! It's the Rabbi Schlomo Schnurson rookie card! It's like the last in the series!

Anna Riley: Don't you have work?
Rabbi Jake Schram: We're doing a hostile takeover of Congregation Bertov Sholem.

I have been a priest over 40 years, and I fell in love at least once every decade.

Father Havel

Rachel Rose: Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide!
Rabbi Jake Schram: Ooh! Is that bad or good?

I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

Anna Riley

[On Brian falling in love with Anna...]
Rabbi Jake Schram: I mean, she's like your sister!
Father Brian Finn: Thank you for adding new depth to my confusion.

So this is a rectory. That sounds like a dirty word. Rectory!

Anna Riley

Sometimes we don't see certain things until we're ready to see them in a certain way.

Father Brian Finn

Indian Bartender: Let me guess. Your old lady got fed up because you're out here chasing the skirt so she took these little ones and left you.
Father Brian Finn: It's a little more complicated than that.
Indian Bartender: Sure it is. Everyone thinks his story is the one with a twist. Well let me tell you, I've heard just about everything there is to...
[Brian unzips his jacket, revealing his priest's collar]
Indian Bartender: Holy shit.
Father Brian Finn: Exactly.

May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.

Indian Bartender

God was showing off when he made you.

Rabbi Jake Schram

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