I just fell off a *donkey*!!!

Tibby

Tibby: Are you sure it was a real one?
Brian McBrian: Yes, I'm sure! My uncle gave it to me for graduation, I was saving it.
Tibby: For two years?!

Police Liaison Officer: What the hell is that? What the hell is that?
Dale Denton: Oh, oh, it's a roach. It's a joint. I have anorexia. Honest I thought it was decriminalized.
Police Liaison Officer: Selling drugs to minors has *not* been decriminalized. I'm the police liaison officer with this school and I just saw a bunch of my kids comin' around the corner with their eyes as red as the devil's dick!

Saul: Wait...what do you mean the battery's dead?
Dale Denton: ... I mean the battery is dead. It ceases to live. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: No no... What do you mean, the battery is dead?
Dale Denton: The battery is fucking dead. I don't know how I can word this to you differently.

Saul: Red! You came back! Man, you lied to me. You said you had herpes and Dale said you didn't.
Red: I know Saul. I'm sorry. It's just, after all this, and seeing this guy’s nuts get smashed with my Daewoo, I love you man.
[pause]
Red: I want to be inside you, homes!

Saul: It's like, if you took that Blue Oyster shit I gave you last week, and then that crazy African Kush I had that one time.. and they had a baby. And then meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light shit I had, and that Red shit I had, made a baby. And by some crazy miracle, those two babies got together, and fucked... this would be it!
Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Oh. Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.

Angie Anderson: Fuck you Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What the fuck does that mean? Your hand doesn't count.

Shaun: Hey guys, what's up?
Chad: Hey, what's up dude? Hey dude, check this out. Last night we're at this party, and little Arlo here,he decides to like confess his undying love to me. Did I tell ya he was a fruitcake or what?
Arlo: Bro, that's not true. This is the real story dude. Chad crashed at my house right, and I woke up in the night, he wa fondling my...
Chad: Dude, I lost my keys. I was looking for 'em.

Mr. Burke: Now, when I say "Romeo and Juliet," who comes to mind?
Dana: Claire Danes?
Mr. Burke: That's right, Claire Danes. Who else?
Chad: Leonardo DiCaprio.
Mr. Burke: Right. Who else? Well, you know someone else was involved in that movie who in some ways is as famous as Leonardo Di Caprio. And his name is William Shakespeare. And some great movies have been made based on his plays: Hamlet, West Side Story, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Waterworld, Gladiator, Chocolat...

Dude, I never went to college and check me out. I'm kick ass!

Lance

Shaun! I read your story. You used a lot of big words. Great! Good for you! It was a little long, so I didn't read the whole thing, but who cares 'cause I gave you an A!

Mr. Burke

Bud Brumder: You know your son was being a real brat today, a real pain in the ass.
Cindy: My son.
Bud Brumder: He said I was selfish. He said that everything's always about me.
Cindy: He called me a drama queen, said I was trying to sabotage him.

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