Bud Brumder: What is that smell? What am I sitting in?
Cindy: Relax. It's just urine.
Bud Brumder: Oh.

So I married Bob, for you! I had sex with Bob four times for you! So how can you call me a bad mother?

Cindy

You think you're going to create a T-shirt company? You can't even dress yourself!

Shaun

Shaun: What are you doing lying there?
Lance: Oh, my parole officer wants to give me a drug test and I need your urine... can I score some of your piss?
Shaun: Yeah.
Lance: Awesome, man.

[Exhales at his ex-wife] I need a drink. Do you have any beer, Coyote Ugly?

Bud Brumder

Shaun: Lance, I want you to stay in your room.
Lance: Why?
Shaun: Because you're an embarrassment.
Lance: OK!

SEAN! You're my same height, that is neat.

Don.Durkett

Look Shaun, I'm sorry you didn't get into Stanford. But if you think that going here is the only way that you can be the person you want to be, well then I just feel sorry for you.

Ashley

Shaun: Mom, you know money can't buy happiness...
Cindy: Oh grow up, yes it can!
Shaun: But you and Dad have money and you're both miserable.
Cindy: ...He's miserable?

Principal Harbert: People, June is just around the corner, let's talk graduation speakers. Ideas?
Shaun: Toni Morrison, she's in town that same weekend for a book signing. She's won the Nobel Prize.
Principal Harbert: Interesting... Dana, didn't you say you have a cousin who was friends with Britney spears?

A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed. You're not gay.

Bud Brumder

Ashley: You know how you told me that every night before you go to bed you'd pray that you'd get into Stanford?
Shaun: Yeah?
Ashley: Well the other night I prayed for something too.
Shaun: What?
Ashley: I prayed... that you wouldn't get into Stanford.
Shaun: [astonished] Why?
Ashley: Well I didn't really think it was gonna work!

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