Guy Fleegman: I changed my mind. I wanna go back.
Sir Alexander Dane: After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh - -I don't know.
Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman: DO I? DO I? For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"! Mommy... mommy...
Sir Alexander Dane: Are we there yet?

Never give up. Never surrender.

Jason Nesmith

By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.

Sir Alexander Dane

It’s just drinking games and bonding, why is that so painful for you?


Schmidt: Hey, listen! There's a grenade in my shorts!
Jenko: Is that it?
Schmidt: That's my dick!
Jenko: What about that?
Schmidt: That's my dick also!!

Schmidt: Listen, Mr. Walters, I should apologize…
Mr. Walters: For shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it. They gave me a vagina. Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch!
Eric: No, you're not!
Mr. Walters: Yes, I am! You own this ass.

Capt. Dickson: I got a big ass raise to babysit you two again.
Jenko: We're going back to high school?
Capt. Dickson: No, you look like you about 50. You going to MC State. You two sons of bitches are going to college!

Jenko: What? Co-ed bathrooms!
Schmidt: Fuck! I'm not gonna take a shit the entire time we're here.

Jenko: We're like a power couple.
Schmidt: We're like Rihanna and Chris Brown. You're a good dancer but sometimes you're meaner than I'd like you to be.

Schmidt: We'll go around to classes and activities, ask about the drug, find out who the dealer is.
Jenko: Do we look older or does everyone in college look like babies?

Capt. Dickson: Somebody's cooking up a new drug.
Jenko: Wipe? wipey? Wipey?
Capt. Dickson: No, you dumb motherfucker, WiFi
Schmidt: Play on, player.
Capt. Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up?

Look at Dickson's office. It looks like a giant cube of ice.


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