Leo: Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!
Max : Have you ever eaten with one?
Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der FÃ¼hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Max: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo: And two?
Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!
Max: Do you know who I am?
Leo: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
Max: I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
Nun: What does that mean?
Max: Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?"
Ulla: Ulla wake up at five A.M. every day. From five to seven, Ulla like to exercise. From seven to eight, Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. ... What time should I get here?
Max and Leo: Eleven!
Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!Ulla
I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders. I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war. We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling... yoodle le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay-WHO ARE YOU!?!Franz Liebkind
The FÃ¼hrer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! The FÃ¼hrer was BUTCH!Franz Liebkind
Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!Franz Liebkind
You were right about one thing you are a CPA, a certified public asshole!Leo Bloom
Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.Leo Bloom