[to a group of reporters] I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.Tom Dobbs
Jack Menken: Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
Tom Dobbs: Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Circles", is that offensive?
Jack Menken: Not to me.
Tom Dobbs: NASA spent 30 Million dollars creating the pen that would write upside down in space. Did you know that? The Russians, how ever, were able to solve this problem with
Tom Dobbs: Five cent pencil! Writes right side up, writes up-side down. After five quarts of vodka, is still writing!
We'll pay for your Viagra but not for your glasses. That way, you get a hard-on but can't see where to put it!Tom Dobbs
This makes golf look like porn.Tom Dobbs
Tom Dobbs: How many analogies do you have left?
Jack Menken: How many does it take to make my point?
Senator Mills: I support hydrogen cars...
Tom Dobbs: That's weird, because you're backed by oil companies.
The president wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex!Tom Dobbs
Tom Dobbs: If you're representing special interest groups, maybe we should be like NASCAR with the little patches on the back: 'Enron: We take your money and run!'
People say Intelligent Design, we must teach Intelligent Design. Look at the human body, is that intelligent? You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.Tom Dobbs
When I was a young boy I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.Tom Dobbs
I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.'Tom Dobbs