I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.

Mr. Jones

Jehovah's Witness: Are you prepared for Jehovah's return? 'Cause if you're not, we've got a pam...
[Craig slams the door in their faces]
Jehovah's Witness: Well fuck you. Half-dead motherfucker. Come on, sister.

Boy at Bus Stop: [taps a sleeping Hancock] Hancock!
[hits him to wake up]
Boy at Bus Stop: Hancock!
Hancock: What, boy?
Boy at Bus Stop: [points to TV screens] Bad guys.
Hancock: What, you want a cookie? Get the hell out my face.
Boy at Bus Stop: Jackass.
Hancock: What?
Boy at Bus Stop: You heard me.

There are a lot of things in my life that I thought were real and ended up being fake. Why can't the opposite be true?

Monica

Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono.

Bartleby Gaines

Let's start this fake college. Then, we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. It's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.

Sherman Schrader

I don't want to be here alone when the walls start to bleed!

Sherman Schrader

I'm going off the grid. No more Franchises, no more botox, no more "Hey, oh, lets clone another goat," and certainly no more sexual harassment lawsuits, what's wrong with saying "Hey, nice tits." When did that go out the window?

Uncle Ben

Rejection. That's what makes a college great. The exclusivity of any university is judged primarily by the amount of students it rejects.

Dean Van Horne

Bartleby: Oh yeah, Monica, this is Schrader.
Schrader: Oh yeah, I think we know each other. We were in math class together..I sat behind you, you know..all the way in back...yeah, I don't remember you either..

Bartleby: A bird in the hand, dude. A bird in the hands.
Schrader: That doesn't make any sense.

I hope you guys have hobo stab insurance.

Sherman

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