You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

Juno MacGuff

Mac MacGuff: Who's the father?
Juno MacGuff: It's... it's Paulie Bleeker
[everyone stares]
Juno MacGuff: ... What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?

[a very pregnant Juno enters the room] Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!

Mac MacGuff

Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

Paulie Bleeker: Come on, let me carry your bag.
Juno MacGuff: Oh, what's another ten pounds?

I don't know what happened! I mean, I just tried to talk to these guys, and then there was a dust buster, a toupee and a life raft exploded... now ones bald ones in a boat and they're both unconscious!

Barry B. Benson

No flying in the house!

Janet Benson

Fred Claus: Love's complicated.
Willie: It hurts.

You're all fired, in the morning you'll all be on a bus back to Elfistan!

Clyde

[to Fred] You're not Alec!

Stephen Baldwin

Santa's having some trouble getting the sled off the ground?

Fred Claus

Morgan Philip: You know they always say guys only have one thing on their mind.
Giselle: And what’s that?
Morgan Philip: I don't know. No one will tell me.

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