Adam Flayman: Are you going to his funeral?
Barry B. Benson: No way. Everyone knows you sting someone, you die. You don't waste it on a squirrel. He was such a hothead.

Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mooseblood: Ma'am, I was already a bloodsucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase!

Jane Burns: If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.

[about Mitch] It seems all his best lines were yours... this is unbearable.


There's rightness in our wrongness.

Dan Burns

Put it on my tab.

Dan Burns

I don't want to go out with the pig... face.

Dan Burns

Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.

Dan Burns

Dan Burns: [after the family sees him kissing Marie] You guys broke up, right?
Mitch Burns: Two hours ago!

Mom was right about you!

Nick 'Santa' Claus

[attempting to say "Hello, how are you" in a Cockney accent] Ello, ow are ooo?

Corky St. Clair

[singing at an old folks home in Miami] Bubbe made a kishke, she made it big and fat, My Zaydeh took one look at it and said "I can't eat that!' ... Oh Bubbe, Bubbe, Bubbe, Oh Bubbe me oh myyyyyyyy...

Dr. Pearl

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