Etheline Tenenbaum: Chas? What's going on?
Chas: We got locked out of our apartment.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, did you call a locksmith?
Chas: Uh huh.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?

Royal: Can I say something to you, Henry?
Henry Sherman: Okay.
Royal: I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. Uhh, that's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman: I don't think you're an asshole, Royal, I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal: Well, I really appreciate that.

Raleigh: Are you ever coming home?
Margot: Maybe not.
Raleigh: Well I want to die.

Richie: Is it because of us?
Royal: Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But heavens, no.

Royal: The past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

Raleigh: You made a cuckold of me.
Margot: I know.
Raleigh: Many times over.
Margot: So sorry.

Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline?
Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.

Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?

Royal

Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.

Eli

Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's NOT a genius? Do you especially think I'm NOT a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

Eli

Raleigh: Do you have an alternate?
Priest: No.
Raleigh: Are there priests on call?

Richie: Are we still friends?
Eli: What?
Richie: Are we?
Eli: Of course. How can you even ask me that?
Richie: Doesn't matter.
Eli: Doesn't matter? It does matter.
Richie: I heard about you and Margot.
Eli: [long pause] I'm sorry.

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