I remember the first time I saw Gareth on a dance floor. I feared lives would be lost.

Matthew

Tom: The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.

Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.

Tom

Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?
Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.
Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.

I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about 15 minutes.

Fiona

Mrs. Beaumont: Are you married?
Fiona: No.
Mrs. Beaumont: Are you a lesbian?
Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that?
Mrs. Beaumont: Well, it is one of the possibillites for unmarried girls nowadays, and it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear, never met the right chap," eh?
Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull?
Mrs. Beaumont: Thank you.

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
Charles: Uh-huh.
Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
Charles: Which is?
Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble.

Angus the Groom

It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yech!

Charles

Charles: All these weddings, all these years, all that blasted salmon and champagne and here I am on my own wedding day, and I'm... eh... em... eh... still thinking.
Matthew: Well, can I ask about what?
Charles: No... no... I think, best not.

Charles: Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...
Carrie: That was very romantic.
Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

Fiona: How's Duckface?
Charles: Good form actually, not too mad.

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