Comedy Quotes
Rick Ford: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan Cooper: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you're intense.
Jimmy: Meet your groomsmen!
Doug Harris: These guys can not be my groomsmen. It looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists!
You put the weed in the coconut, and light that shit up.
Edmundo
I want my real life to be as fun as the one I made up!
Doug Harris
I'm the first man in the door and the last man to leave.
Mike Lowery
Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out.
Capt. James West
Nick: Ready for another dip?
Lou: I think this time maybe I'll invent yoga pants.
Nick: You look like a turtle crawled out of his shell.
Lou: You look like an egg gave birth to another egg.
Nick: You look like Gandalf the poor.
Lou: You look like the least-popular kid in the cancer ward.
Nick: You look like you've never made a correct decision.
Jacob: Ever
Lou: I have definitely given a back alley b***job.
Jacob: I gotta admit. I kind of like this.
Nick: You look like Billy Zane's d***.
Patriot Lou, he looks like Captain Crunch had sex with Paul Revere.
Nick
Was it morally wrong to exploit our knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? That hot tub time machine turned us into kings!
Lou
Nick: How far back did we go? 2025!
Jacob: We went 10 years into the future.
Nick: Whoa, I'm distinguished.
Lou: I should shave this, right?
Jacob: F*** you for making me bald!
Nick: High five
Jacob: Did you just say, 'high five' instead of high giving?
Lou: High five
Jacob: You don't have the energy for this?
Nick: High five
