Dark Helmet: What did you do? You turned it off!
Colonel Sandurz: Turned off what? I just turned off the screen.
Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the movie!
Colonel Sandurz: They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet: And what do we have on this thing? A cuisinart?
Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.Dark Helmet
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, do you think we're being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
Oh, my God. It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow.Colonel Sandurz
My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!Princess Vespa
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.Dark Helmet
Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?President Skroob
Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
[aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.Self-Destruct Voice