People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.


God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit bragging.

Bruce: Where are you going?
God: I'm taking a vacation.
Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he?... Do... ye?
God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?

Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.


Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.


Grace: Debbie won the lottery.
Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.

Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.
Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.

Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that?
God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.

I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done.


Grace: Oh, God.
Bruce: You can call me Bruce.

I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.


Grace: I've never seen the moon that big.
Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it.

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