Woody Stevens: [a large yard is full of a bunch of leaves] Well go home Toby! You make me sick!
Toby: I can't do this many leaves for $10!
Earl Bassett: Must be a million of them!
Valentine McKee: Nope, just one!
Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!
Earl Bassett: Dammit, I'm gonna kick his ass!
Valentine McKee: I'm gonna help you.
Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that?
Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse.
Earl Bassett: What the hell do you use it for?
Burt Gummer: My cannon!
Dudley Frank: [upon seeing Maggie] She's perfect for me. I wanted to say something funny, but all I could think of was black jokes.
Bobby Davis: Do tell... which ones? Why don't you tell the one that ends with me beating your ass?
Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000, plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar. If you don't, we're gonna break your friends legs here.
Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!
Jack: Fine, we'll break his hands!
Dudley Frank: Oh dammit. Bring the money!
Earl Bassett: Hey, Rhonda, you ever seen anything like this before?
Valentine McKee: Oh, sure, Earl. Everyone knows about them, we just didn't tell you.
[after getting a fist-tap from Woody and nearly wiping out] Man, oh, man. I almost lost it back there. I didn't know what was going on.Dudley Frank
I've got a goddamn plan!Valentine McKee
What the hell is going on! I mean what the hell is going on!Valentine McKee
You screwed up their lives? And by doing that, you decided to screw up our lives? Asshole!Doug Madsen