Ed: You want to take a dingy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.

[narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?


I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or be able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact I bought her a harp for christmas. She asked me what it was.


Jane: How could you do something so vicious
Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget I spent two years as a building contractor.

I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.


Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.


Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?

Nurse #2

Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No thank you, I don't wear them.

[offering a cigar]
Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?
Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: Oh, and one more thing: I faked every orgasm!
Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face.

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