Judge Smails: Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.
Smoke Porterhouse: Yes judge, right away judge.

Danny Noonan: I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.

Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

Al Czervik

[to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

Al Czervik

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Al Czervik

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Al Czervik

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? [Sees judge Smalls in the same hat] Oh, it looks good on you though.

Al Czervik

IT'S IN THE HOLE!

Carl Spackler

He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.

Carl Spackler

Sandy: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool. Gophers. The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents*.
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even need a reason.

Ty Webb: I like you Betty.
Danny Noonan: It's Danny sir.
Ty Webb: Danny.

This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.

Spalding Smails

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