Ahoy polloi.Spalding Smails
Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid.Al Czervik
Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.Ty Webb
Lacey Underall: You're crazy!
Ty Webb: That's what they said about Son of Sam.
Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.Carl Spackler
Ty Webb: You've got to win this hole.
Danny Noonan: I kinda thought winning wasn't important
Ty Webb: Me winning isn't. You do.
Danny Noonan: Great grammar.
I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.Carl Spackler
Carl Spackler: This place got a pool?
Ty Webb: Pool and a pond... Pond be good for you.
Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?
Danny Noonan: No.
Ty Webb: Take one good guess.
Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?
Ty Webb: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.
Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop: There is no God...
Danny, I'm having a party this weekend. [pauses a beat] How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?Judge Smails