Alvy Singer: I can't go into a movie that's already started, because I'm anal.
Annie Hall: That's a polite word for what you are.

Annie Hall: It's so clean out here.
Alvy Singer: That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

Alvy Singer

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

Alvy Singer

[addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.

Alvy Singer

I look like Snuggles' accountant.

Ted

Ted: Hey, you're home early!
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: They're hookers, so it's fine.

Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper!
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.

You know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call the Dirty Fozzie.

Ted

Ted: Hey, thanks for 9/11.
Indian woman: I'm Indian.
Ted: Yeah, whatever.

John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fucking Becky?
Ted: No.
John: Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lynn after it?
Ted: Yes.
John: Okay, Brandy Lynn, Heather Lynn...
Ted: Tammy Lynn.
John: Fuck!

John: You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?

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