I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!

John

I swear to God, her name is Sauvingon Blanc. Show her your Chevron card.

Ted

That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.

Ted

Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.

Ted

Ted: Thunder Buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Fucking right!
Ted: All right, come on, let's sing The Thunder Song."
John: All right.
John & Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words. Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts.

Ever since you showed up, Todd's been acting like a different person!

Jamie

I'm just a regular guy who did a wicked fucking awesome thing.

Donny

Donny: What the fuck is this?!
Spa worker: It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood.
Donny: Tastes like fucking dick infused with balls.

Todd: You know, what I remember is ME having to drive YOU home from the beach that time, because you were too drunk!
Donny: Somebody else's dad would have had another guy drive home!
Todd: I was eight!
Donny: And you drove like a fucking champ too.

Donny: What'd I do to his back?
Todd: Let me jog your memory...
Donny: The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped!
Todd: That's because I got it in third grade, my body grew!

Todd: You were basically the worst parent ever!
Donny: I was awesome!
Todd: You let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day!
Donny: That's what you asked for!
Todd: You're supposed to say no!

Jamie: Todd, your old man's here to see you!
Donny: WASSUP!

FREE Movie Newsletter