Matilda: What time is it?
Derek Zoolander: Almost five.
Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."

Hansel: So I'm repelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you.

Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Derek Zoolander

Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.

Larry Zoolander

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

Derek Zoolander

They're break-dance fighting.

Mugatu

Health Clinic Counselor: Oral sex play...
Boy at Health Clinic: Sounds like my Friday night.
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, shut up Seth, we went to temple.

You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.

Cal

You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant.

Cal

She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.

Andy Stitzer

I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.

Andy Stitzer

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