Cal: Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.
Cal: No, I'm serious.

Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.


"Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.


Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card...
Andy Stitzer: OOhhh... yeah... right, god I've been looking for that speed dating card, thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy Stitzer: Ummhmm... yeah..."hurtin' for a squirtin'", yeah i wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "hoe fo sho'".
Andy Stitzer: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a hoe... for sho'

Andy Stitzer: I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
David: There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Well, this is... It's called School of... You know...
Andy Stitzer: That's nice.
David: But it stars Jack Black Cock.
Andy Stitzer: That makes sense.

You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.

Andy Stitzer

Jay: I am gonna hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Oh, turban now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say 'Hey Jay, you want a slippy? You wanna slippy?' Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn, Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.

[watching The Bourne Identity] Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!


How many pots have you smoken?

Andy Stitzer

Boy at Health Clinic: Wait, so you're a virgin? I'd tap that.
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, yeah, you'd 'tap that.' What, Seth, you think you're cool with your little Jew Fro? We don't say 'tap that.' What are you talking about, Seth?

Cal: [to Andy about telling Trish he's a virgin] Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie."
Cal: And that was a smart movie.

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