Our idiot brother just ruined my freaking life!

Natalie

Cindy: Who's the man Ned?
Ned: Me.
Cindy: Yes. Say it, who's the man?
Ned: Who's the man?

Miranda: Well, come on Liz, I mean look, I don't know, what's going on with your hair here? It's like a science experiment back there. And I know you own contacts, you know. And you're wearing plastic shoes and, I mean, what's this shirt even made of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See, isn't that a food? You're wearing food!

Your personality gets in the way of your looks. Your very good looks.

Ned

I gotta get back to work on the "tomnion." It's a cross-pollination between a tomato and an onion.

Ned

They let me go early! I won 'Most cooperative inmate' four months running.

Ned

[to his parol officer] I broke down, I went and smoked with the kid that lives across the street from me.

Ned

Having children, is, it's like living with little mini drug addicts. You know, they're laughing one minute, and then they're crying the next, and then they're trying to kill themselves in your bathroom for no good reason. They're very mean and selfish and they burn through your money and they break sh-.

Dave

Detective: "You wanna explain why you were speeding?"
Nick: "I was drag racing."
Detective: "In a Prius?"
Nick: "I don't win a lot."

Bobby: "Oh yeah, we've got to trim some of the fat around here."
Kurt: "What do you mean by trim the fat?"
Bobby: "I want you to fire the fat people."
Kurt: "What?!"
Bobby: "They're lazy and they're slow and they make me sad to look at."

Nick: "You're gonna be our lookout."
Dale: "I'm gonna honk the horn six times."
Kurt: "Something much more subtle..."
Dale: "Four honks?"
Nick: "Can you honk once?"
Dale: "People honk once all the time - you're gonna be running in and out of the house..."

Dave: "You want one?"
Nick: "It's 8 o'clock in the morning."
Dave: "It's 18-year-old Scotch - you want a promotion, you gotta earn it."
Nick: (downs Scotch)

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