Dave: "I have decided who I want to be our new vice president of sales...me!"
Nick: "What did he say?"
Dave: "Nick? Please, we're in the middle of a meeting."
Dave: "That's alright, I'll just attribute this to your drinking problem."
Nick: "You know that last month you made me work so late that I missed saying goodbye to my Gam-Gam?"
Dave: "I'm sorry, what?"
Nick: "My grandmother. I told you that I needed to see her because she was very, very sick. You said if I left early I'd get fired - and she died before I made it to the hospital."
Dave: "I'm sorry."
Nick: "Thank you."
Dave: "I had no idea that you called your grandmother 'Gam-Gam.' (laughing hysterically) "Sorry. Sorry that you didn't get to say bye-bye to Gam-Gam..."
Julia: "Let's have sex on top of her! Let's use her like a bed!"
Dale: "That's crossing the line!!!"
Dale: "Your ad said you do wet work?"
Not the Hit Man: "I urinate on other men for money. Why else do you think my ad was in a 'Men Seeking Men' section."
(argument breaks out between Nick, Dale and Kurt)
Dale: "We are men, looking for a man!"
Dean 'MF' Jones: "Most killers are first timers. You want to pull off a brilliant murder, you've gotta act like it's an accident. If you do it right, you ain't even gotta be there when it goes down."
Nick: "How are we supposed to fake three accidents?"
Dean 'MF' Jones: "You stalk your prey. You've gotta be smart: find out where they live, find out their habits - what's their hobbies, what they like, what type of food they like. Even if you pull it off perfectly, you crackers got motives. The 'po-po'
Kurt (whispers to Dale): "That means police."
Dean 'MF' Jones: "...will still put it to you."
Nick: "We all have clear motives for killing our bosses, so this is not gonna work - this is garbage."
Dean 'MF' Jones: "Why don't you kill each others bosses?"
Kurt: "That's actually a good idea. Yeah like Hitchcock's 'Strangers on a Train,' right?"
Dale: "The Danny DeVito movie - it's a funny one!"
Kurt: "The famous Alfred Hitchcock/Danny DeVito movie..." (slaps Dale) "that's the one."
Kurt: "He looks like James Bond!"
Dale: "He really does, dude! I bet he carries one of those guns that you screw together...like the coolest guns they make, man!"
Nick: "This is so dangerous - what if that's an undercover cop? Or better yet, what if it's the real thing and he charges so much money, we can't afford it, he gets pissed off and kills us!"
Dale: "That's not gonna...he kills one of us?! Hold on - could that happen?"
(Not a Hitman knocks)
Nick: "Gotta let him in now."
Kurt: "How's my hair?"
Nick: "What do you mean, how's my hair?!"
Kurt: "It doesn't matter...okay, let's do this."
Dale: (Looking at sexually explicit photos of himself with Julia) "We did all of this while I was unconscious?"
Julia: "Mmmhmm. Yep."
Dale: "You're a raper, you raped me, that's a rape!"
Julia: "Just relax there, Jodie Foster. Your dick wasn't even hard."
Dale: "That does not give me any relief."
Kurt: Your boss is incredibly hot.
Dale: Don't talk about how hot she is.
Kurt: She makes herself a little snack. A popsicle. A banana. And finally, a hot dog. And eating them in that weird order thats not a proper meal.
Nick: It's cold to hot.
At least your boss isn't sexually harassing you.Dale
Bobby Pellitt: You can fire Professor Xavier.
Kurt: You mean Hank.
Bobby Pellitt: Creeps me out, rolling around all day in his special little secret chair.
Tai: "no s*^t, you guys got coke here?!"
Cher: "well yeah, this is america"
Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin that can't drive!Tai