Jess: I know you're doing something big. I want in. Can we skip the part where I lead you to believe there is some earth-shattering hump in the works?
Nicky: There's no earth-shattering hump in the works?!
Jess: No
Nicky: I don't even get thinly veiled allure?
Jess: No
Nicky: That's some of my favorite s***.
Jess: I'm sorry.

He made the shot dickhead. You bet him he couldn't, and he did.

Tyler Sims

One in every three black males is in some phase of the correctional system. Is that a coincidence or do these people have, you know, like a racial commitment to crime?

Derek Vinyard

Voldemort: [Walking over to Cedric's body and pushing his face aside] Awww, tsk, tsk, tsk... such a handsome boy.
Harry: Don't touch him!

Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Doctor Nichols, you really want to help him? You really want to be his friend? Then you'll help us bring him in, unharmed.
Dr. Charles Nichols: Why? So he can go back to prison? Tsk, tsk, tsk. If you want help, gentlemen, you've come to the wrong man. Richard is innocent and you'll never find him. He's too smart.

I think God did it.


Katie Cox: [while Harry is cutting carrots] Think that's enough carrots?
Harry Pfarrer: [angrily] ...What?!

Kaffee: Excuse me, sorry I'm late.
Capt. Whitaker: That's alright, Danny, I know you don't have a good excuse, so I won't force you to come up with a bad one.
Kaffee: Thank you, sir.
Capt. Whitaker: The first one's for you. Seems you're moving up in the world, you've been requested by Division.
Kaffee: Requested to do what?

Toni Mannix: [Reeves steps in to get a photograph with Rita Hayworth] Just made it.
George Reeves: Beg your pardon?
Toni Mannix: Into the picture.
George Reeves: Was someone taking a picture? I hadn't noticed.
[Reeves lights Mannix' cigarette]
Toni Mannix: My, we're awfully well-trained, Mister...
George Reeves: George Reeves.
[Mannix laughs]
George Reeves: Was it the line or the delivery?
Toni Mannix: I laugh when I'm happy.
George Reeves: I see. Well, who is it I'm making so happy?
Toni Mannix: I'm Toni.
George Reeves: Just a poor girl with no last name.
[Mannix laughs again]
George Reeves: I had no idea I could spread this much joy!
Toni Mannix: Who knows what you might be spreading?
[Reeves grins]
Toni Mannix: Your turn.
George Reeves: I'm afraid you've got me!

Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.

Ricky Fitts

Leonard Shelby: How can you read that again?
Leonard's Wife: I love it.
Leonard Shelby: But you've read it so many times before...
Leonard's Wife: Don't be a prick. I don't read it to annoy you, I enjoy it.

Tatiana Rusesabagina: [while watching a neighbor get beaten] Do something.
Paul Rusesabagina: Do what?
Tatiana Rusesabagina: Call someone.
Paul Rusesabagina: [after shutting the gate] There is nothing we can do.

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