I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence.

Julius Benedict

Female Neighbor: Excuse me? Excuse me. Never sleep with that man, never loan him money, and never believe a word he tells you. That's free advice.
Vincent Benedict: Morning, Agnes.

Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?

Craig Schwartz

You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!

Craig Schwartz

Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.

Charlie

She has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.

Dr. Lester

Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.

Maxine

Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am... but only when you're in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing.

Maxine

I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

Dr. Lester

Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?

Maxine

Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!

Charlie

You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.

Craig Schwartz

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