It is decided. My daughter will teach you our ways. Learn well, "Jakesully", and we will see if your insanity can be cured.


[outside the shrieking shack to Ron and Hermione] Well, well. Look who's here - you two shopping for your new dream home? Bit grand for you, isn't it, Weasel-Bee? Don't your family all sleep in... one room?


Rose, do you know why I like to have you serve me beer? So as I can watch you when you walk away.

Sergeant Milton Warden

Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30.


I have a confession to make, I think about you more then I ought too.

Sally Wheeler

That's a 2,500 dollar globe! What are you guys doing?


Can't you stop saying fuck all the time?


Maggie Fitzgerald: We're flying?
Frankie Dunn: Would you rather drive?
Maggie Fitzgerald: You're askin' me?
Frankie Dunn: Would you rather fly or would you rather drive?
Maggie Fitzgerald: So, I finally get to decide something?
Frankie Dunn: That's what I'm saying.
Maggie Fitzgerald: Fine. Fly there, drive back.
Frankie Dunn: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of. How the hell we gonna do that?
Maggie Fitzgerald: You said it was up to me.

[hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.

John Smith

Constance Harraway: You wanna tell me what's up?
David Gale: Nothing. Everything. Something profoundly stupid happened last night.
Constance Harraway: I hope you used a condom.
[David looks at Constance]
Constance Harraway: Oh Jesus Christ, David. Was she one of yours?
David Gale: It was Berlin.
Constance Harraway: Oh great! Oh, that's great. I can hear the grapevine now. "They had to suspend her so that Gale could dick her with a conscience." A power differential equals coercion. That is great. You're so weak!
David Gale: You know, you're not my wife, Constance. Thank God!
Constance Harraway: Oh, well, don't worry. It's not a position I aspire to, so fuck you.

Reid Garwin: [seeing a girl in a short skirt, slapping a $20 on the table] Blue. Cotton.
Tyler Sims: [slapping down a $20] Pink lace.
Pogue Parry: [slapping down a $20] Boys, that girl hasn't worn panties since she was 12. [a gust of wind blows the girl's skirt up, revealing no panties] Keep the change, man.

Karen Eiffel: I went out... to buy cigarettes and I figured out how to kill Harold Crick.
Penny Escher: Buying cigarettes?
Karen Eiffel: As I was... when I came out of the store I... it came to me.
Penny Escher: How?
Karen Eiffel: Well, Penny, like anything worth writing, it came inexplicably and without method.

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