Billy: The wet look is in, asshole.
Alec: That's Mr. Asshole to you.

Jules: Don't you enjoy anything anymore... like girls?
Kevin: I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It's a harmless fear, but it makes America feel better, Russia gets an inflated sense of national worth from our paranoia. How's that?

Kevin: How come you never ask me if I want a date?
Naomi: I thought you were gay!

Men... Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

Leslie

Alec: You walked out on this relationship.
Leslie: I didn't walk out. You walked out.
Alec: You fucked Kevin!
Leslie: You fucked many!
Alec: Nameless, faceless many.
Leslie: Thank you. I feel much better now.

Alec: You cannot have the Pretenders' 1st album! That's mine.
Leslie: I bought it.
Alec: You did not! You can have all the Billy Joels... except The Stranger.
Leslie: I'm taking Thriller and Mahler's ninth.
Alec: Kevin is so fond of Mahler.
Leslie: I moved in with Jules.
Alec: Oh how nice, rommies again... No Springsteen is leaving this house! You can have all the Carly Simons.
Leslie: You got me those for Valentine's Day. Remember?
Alec: You ran out on this relationship. You take the consequences.
Leslie: I didn't run out on anything. You ran out.

Fluff and fold, buddy. Soon as I make it really big, I'm going fluff and fold.

Kirby

Kevin: Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is obsolete.
Alec: Dinosaurs are obsolete. Marriage is still around.

Kirby: You are just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in... how long? What is it... a year... maybe two? Refresh my memory please, Kevin. Haven't you heard of the sexual revolution?
Kevin: Who won, huh? Nobody. Used to be sex was the only free thing, No longer. Alimony... palimony... it's all financial. Love is an illusion.
Kirby: It's the only illusion that counts, my friend.
Kevin: Says who?
Kirby: Anyone who's been in love.
Kevin: Love sucks.
Kirby: So does your attitude.

Kirby: There are several quintessential moments in a man's life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.

No diet works. The only way to lose weight in the thighs is amputation.

Wendy

Jules: I thought you were taking steps to phase out everything that wasn't working in your life.
Wendy: That doesn't leave much.

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