[narrating] This part of my life... this part right here? This is called "happyness."

Christopher Gardner

You were lookin' for that third three, but you forgot that Professor Green folded on Fourth Street and now you're representing that you have it. The DA made his two pair, but he knows they're no good. Judge Kaplan was trying to squeeze out a diamond flush but he came up short and Mr. Eisen is futilely hoping that his queens are going to stand up. So like I said, the Dean's bet is $20.

Mike McDermott

I'll be really quick. You won't feel a thing.

Mike McDermott

Listen, here's the thing. If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker.

Mike McDermott

First prize at the World Series of Poker is a million bucks. Does it have my name on it? I don't know. But, I'm gonna find out.

Mike McDermott

Mike McDermott: If you had it to do all over again, knowing what would happen, would you make the same choice?
Professor Petrovsky: What choice?

Where did you come up with the scratch for that? You've been rolling fags in the Village again, haven't you?

Lester 'Worm' Murphy

Worm: She's really got him by the balls.
Petra: That's not so bad, is it?
Worm: It depends on the grip!

Worm: You know what always cheers me up?
Mike McDermott: No, what's that?
Worm: Rolled up aces over kings. Check-raising stupid tourists and taking huge pots off of them. Playing all-night high-limit Hold'em at the Taj, "where the sand turns to gold." Stacks and towers of checks I can't even see over.
Mike McDermott: Fuck it, let's go.
Worm: Don't tease me.
Mike McDermott: Let's play some cards.
Worm: Yes!

Why do you think the same five guys make it to the final table of the World Series of Poker EVERY YEAR? What, are they the luckiest guys in Las Vegas?

Mike McDermott

Homeless Guy #1: It's a time machine... I know it's a time machine...
Christopher Gardner: [narrating] This machine in my lap? It is not a time machine.

Cal Hockley: God, not those finger paintings again. They certainly were a waste of money.
Rose: The difference between Cal's taste in art and mine is that I have some. They're fascinating. It's like being inside a dream or something. There's truth but no logic.

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